Red Sox Continue Quest for World Domination

The Red Sox are HOT! How hot? Well, every bit as hot as the Three Musketeers Mint Fairy. With another series win in Baltimore the Sox have now lost about three of their previous forty-seven (or so) games. Jonathan Papelbon, currently averaging 1.2 pitches per strikeout, appeared in forty-three of those games, recording thirty-five saves. He has only allowed one hit during the lifetime of starting RF Jacoby Ellsbury. Josh Beckett now has eighteen wins, in what should certainly be a Cy Young season (not bad for a "Texas redneck"-Jonathan Robert's word choice), and rookie Clay Buchholz pitched a no-hitter in his 2nd career start. Yes, the Sox' (sixth? seventh?) starter pitched a no-hitter. Looking at the Sox' current 40-Man Roster, 86.8% of the team players currently receive a "kick-ass motherfucker" rating, or higher. It's simple to quantify the level hotness of the Sox. (See "Fairy, Three Musketeers Mint." See also "Mitts, Heather.") Determining how they managed to win so many games, seeing as how even the best teams in MLB history lose about 40% of the time, is a little more difficult.

In Probability, you can sometimes simplify matters by determining the probability of a complement event, rather than directly computing the probability of the event itself. (If you don't believe me, ask Craig Breslow.) So, when the Sox actually lose games, why do they lose them?

• J.D. Drew. Since the All-star break, he has a .248 batting average, one home run, and a .708 OPS. Plus, after he screwed the Phillies when they drafted him, it was mathematically determined that he has no soul. His performance with the Sox has validated that conclusion.
• Julian Tavarez. Yes, he needs just "two hours notice and a Red Bull" when asked to be an emergency starter. But one of those guys walking on stilts outside Fenway could produce similar results. Possibly without even requiring the Red Bull. Batshit has a 5.35 ERA since the All-Star break. He had a prime opportunity to bonk Daniel Cabrera on the head the other night with a Red Bull (or any other implement he had concealed on his person), but failed to convert. The Sox have better options for BC's innings.
• NESN/The Boston Globe. NESN's over-reliance on W.B Mason commercials and non-Eck pre-game analysts, in combination with the numerous errors scrolling across the bottom of the screen on "The Edge" (spelling "Buchholz" with two "c's" on the night of the no-hitter? Unconscionable.), doesn't help. Don't even get me started on the horrors of "Sox Appeal." (Except for that contestant with the Sox tattoo. She's alright.) The Boston Globe's utilization of Red Sox writers not-named "Gordon" or "Amalie" is similarly unconscionable.

That's pretty much it. A few little tweaks, and the Sox won't be losing three out of every forty-seven games any more. Keep Batshit and Drew off the field, use Gordon and Amalie (with Daniel Malloy covering their days off on the Extra Bases Blog) as the Sox writers/pre-game interviewees, and spell-check all NESN graphics before they make it to the big screen. Simple. The Sox are not that far away from being a 1.000 team. (At least until their inevitable World Series loss to Philadelphia.)

The Sox start yet another series with the sad-sack Tampa Bay Devil Rays (in "NESN-speak", the "Devils Rays") tonight. I'm excited to see Tampa's AAA callups. How bad must those guys be, if they can't make the 25-Man Roster of a .420 team? But don't stay up too late celebrating the Sox win/watching Californication and the late MNF game. The U.S. Women's National Human Foosball Team starts their World Cup run tomorrow at 4:55am against North Korea. If you are not excited about human foosball, with Heather Mitts commentating, you might be tied with J.D. Drew in Soul Count (SC).