All the Yen in the World...

Fifty-eight Gajillion American Dollars. When I saw Julian Tavarez wearing shoes with Big Papi's visage on the front, the future was immediately obvious. The Papelbonian Signature Line. Papelbon Signature Hunting Jackets. Papelbon Signature Safari Hats. Papelbon Signature Nunchakas. Papelbon EVERYTHING. I would pay fifty-eight gajillion dollars for any of these incredible items. This needs to happen. A year from now I expect to be watching Paps play badminton on NESN, with commercials for these items between matches. There is too much potential for profit here to be ignored.

The Papi shoes are good for now, though. Julian Tavarez is certainly the correct choice to model them. Unless this was all a dream. Tina Cervasio and Amalie Benjamin describing a bizarre Sox item worn by Julian Tavarez certainly seems like the type of dream I would have. But in my dream, Amalie would be a bit more fluid in her comedic delivery. As anyone who's seen her perform in the comedy clubs would agree, Amalie excels in the comedic arts. (If you don't know anyone who has seen her perform in that arena, you'll just have to take my word for it.) But she did perform very well today in the Extra Bases Blog, at least until the later innings when she seemed to tire, and her pitches were up in the zone. However, Gordon Edes should have been brought in to relieve her well before that point. Her pitch count was very high, and you could see the signs of fatigue behind the hipster glasses.

You won't see signs of fatigue in Daisuke Matsuzaka's eyes any time soon. He's worth every penny of the 58 gajillion dollars (70280978000000000 yen) the Sox paid for him. (Yes. The Sox' big offseason acquisition is of comparable value to a Papelbon Safari Hat. If you don't think that seems plausible, you obviously are not imagining the Safari Hat properly.) He threw 103 pitches in eight innings, and indicated in interviews after the game that he was good for about 150 pitches a game. Matsuzaka scattered nine hits and did not allow a walk. All three runs he conceded came in the top of the 7th, at which point the Sox had a 12-0 lead. He is 3-0 with a 1.87 ERA in his last three starts, and is making my 7th round fantasy league selection seem quite prescient. (And not "a reach", as has been derisively suggested in some circles.)

I missed about half of the first game, however, due to the responsibilities of my position as a consultant for the Philadelphia Phillies organization. I was on the highway when Mike Lowell pounded a grand slam in the 5th, giving the Sox a 7-0 lead. I pumped my fist several times, and honked my horn, in celebration of the blast over the Green Monster. None of the other cars seemed to share my exuberance, and the car immediately in front of me made a sudden, and somewhat daring, change to a different lane. Apparently, they did not interpret my behavior in the proper Soxian context. But they were driving kind of slow (only 10 MPH above the speed limit), and their removal from my path helped me get home in time to see Wily Mo Pena's prodigious shot. Reports indicate that the ball landed somewhere in Billerica. Wily Mo celebrated the HR by returning to the dugout and treating himself to a pudding cup. After he finished with the pudding, he played the air drums on his sizeable thighs, until Boston's 13-3 victory was complete. There is definitely a place for Wily Mo in my Papelbonian Vision of Future NESN.

The second game of the doubleheader- not so good. I was hoping for a rainout before the game was official, but despite the torrent of raindrops, the torrent of Braves offense continued unabated. I was also watching the Phillies-Blue Jays game, and, at one point, both of my teams faced eleven runs deficits. Not the best night.

The Sox game seemed almost surreal by the end. The stands had large pockets of empty desolation, some kind of alarm was going off at the stadium, the fans were getting a wee bit rowdy, Cora was playing 1B. Weird, crazy stuff. But I hope they were taping Sox Appeal during the soggy tumult. These would be the ideal circumstances to separate the wheat from the chaff. (The blue hats from the pink?) Besides that, there wasn't too much possible utility to be derived from Saturday night's 14-0 loss. Unless you value watching Cora play exciting, new positions. In which case, you might be the only viewer of tonight's Sox In 2. Buenos noches, amigos!

No Tix for you...

On Friday morning, I had an e-mail from the Red Sox when I checked my inbox. I figured it was a response to my suggestions on how to handle The Incident of Manny and the Car Show.

But it was actually pertaining to my participation in a lottery for a ticket purchase opportunity. Unfortunately, my entry was not selected for this ticket purchase opportunity. Again. But I am still eligible for the drawing for the opportunity to purchase Right Field Roof Deck tickets, which will take place over the next few weeks. As always, my loyalty to the Red Sox is unparalleled, and John Henry would like to thank me for my loyalty by offering my 10% off any purchase at the Red Sox online store.

I think my unparalleled loyalty should be worth a little more than that. Maybe each time I am among The Unchosen for a Sox Ticket Purchasing Opportunity, that % off should increase by 10%. Or perhaps double each time. Alternatives to this include extra chances (more ping pong balls with my name on them?) in each subsequent lottery, or an autographed Kyle Snyder ball. I am not too picky.

As for Manny's latest issues, I have no innovative advice to offer. (I may not be worthy of the Snyder ball, after all.) They are not going to trade Manny and his stats, unless they get sufficient value in return. Which they won't, considering his salary and his, um, eccentric, behavior. They are pretty much stuck with him. So they'll just have to deal with his Manny ways, and try to minimize the damage his behaviors (and their non-reactions to these behaviors) can do to the team. They are fortunate to have strong leadership types in the clubhouse like J.D. Drew, Julio Lugo, and Julian Tavarez- masters of team harmony who won't let any individual factors get in the way of the success of the team as a whole.

Speaking of J.D. Drew, he feels really healthy and uninjured right now. Good show, J.D. Well, except for the fact that it is fucking February. He'll be probably be missing games for undisclosed reasons by the 3rd week of the season. At least that should open up some ABs for Wily Mo.

Matsuzaka is scaring me a bit- playing long toss at 200 ft. wicked early in training, 103 pitch bullpen sessions- I hope he doesn't use up too many bullets before the real games start. Theo says this is commonplace for Daisuke, but you'd have to think throwing so much now (as well as during his seasons in Japan) could affect him later this season, and later in his career. Hopefully, if such adverse effects pop up, it will be after 6 glorious seasons with the Sox. And if the baseball doesn't work out for Daisuke, maybe he could fall back on the golf.