The Leader

I do consulting work for the Phillies, periodically helping research and develop ideas in various opportunity areas. On Tuesday's off day, I was called in for a morning meeting in Philly with some members of upper management. I was picked up at the airport in one of the red Phillies limos by Clay Condrey, who scooted me over to the ballpark in about the time it takes him to pitch another scoreless inning of relief.

The meeting at CBP included SVP/GM Pat Gillick, Assistant GM Ruben Amaro, Jr., and Field MGR Charlie Manuel. Charlie Manuel, who I had not met before, arrived late, with the Phillie Phanatic accompanying him. I thought it unusual that the team mascot would be in the meeting, but I was getting paid the same no matter who was in the meeting, so I wasn't too concerned.

Manuel: Sorry, I'm late. My computer broke, and I had to get Abe to fix it again.
Gillick: Charlie, Mike will be meeting with us today. He has a blog and has worked with us in the past.
Manuel: I had a blog once- I was in the hospital for a week!
Gillick: OK. The Leader is concerned that poor performance on the field could affect revenues.
Manuel: The Leader can go...
Gillick (interrupting Manuel): We need to improve our on-field record. What can we do towards achieving that goal?
Mike: I've run some projections based on different lineups, and believe that run scoring can be increased by making some adjustments in the starting lineup and the batting order.
(The Phillie Phanatic scratches his head.)
Manuel: I know how to make a goddamn lineup.
Mike: Perhaps some adjustments in the area of in-game manangement can be considered. Have you heard of the "double-switch?"
Manuel: I worked at Dairy Queen for 4 years, of course I know what a double switch is!
Mike: Maybe changing the player mix through a trade could help?
(The Phillie Phanatic sticks out his tongue.)
Gillick: I've been thinking about that this whole meeting. (turns to face Ruben Amaro, Jr.) Jr., get the Red Sox on the phone. Try to trade for that French mustard guy. The one with all the ducks. Tell them that Nunez is available. Boston has a lot of computers, so try to emphasize his computer aptitude.
Amaro, Jr.: French mustard guy?
Mike: Papelbon? (Gillick nods.) You might need to offer a little more to acquire Papelbon.
Amaro, Jr.:(on cell phone) Theo, it's Ruben Am...(Theo hangs up on other end.)
Amaro, Jr.: He must be busy, I'll try him again later.
Manuel: We already have Gordon, we don't need that duck guy. And I am goddamn tired of everyone acting like I'm a country bumpkin'. I have a computer, and an ESPN team, so I know exactly what's going to happen this season. The Leader and the rest of you might think I'm a fool, but I ain't.
Mike: I'm not sure I follow.
Manuel: So who's the bumpkin now? I have an ESPN team with all of the Phillies on it, and I just watch that to see what's going to happen. I'm one game ahead of everyone! Take that, Leader!
Mike: I don't think that's quite how fantasy baseball works.
Manuel: I'm in 1st place on my computer, so I guess I know how it works, buster! Well, I was in 1st place until yesterday, when the whole league started over again. I don't know why that happened. Maybe that damn Leader is behind it.
Mike: ESPN had to restart the season because of technical problems.
Gillick: That's the first good idea you had. (to Amaro, Jr.) Jr., I want you to go check on this ESPN idea. Give them a call and see if they can restart our league. (to Manuel) I'll see you in 3 hours for that thing we have to do. (to Mike) Most of your ideas are a bit radical. But, thanks for coming down. I'll have Clay drive you back to the airport. (to All) Good meeting, guys!

(The Phillie Phanatic throws confetti. Everyone else leaves the room. The Phillie Phanatic removes his head to reveal Chris Wheeler.)

Wheeler: (whispers to himself) All according to plan...