The Philadelphia Phillies and the Boston Red Sox fought a titanic battle of the preseason variety on Saturday. A battle between the whole of both organizations, beginning with MLB starters, and ending with a bunch of minor league dudes with really high numbers on their backs. The Phillie-uniformed peeps outlasted their Sox counterparts 12-9, in 10 frames laden with determination and ferocity.
A century from now, some baseball historians will point to this game as the one that launched the Phillies-Red Sox rivalry that dominated the 21st century sports landscape. (Others will point to the 2007 World Series, the Clearwater beanbrawls of 2008, or Schilling's return to Philly, as the point at which Phillies-Red Sox replaced Yankees-Red Sox as THE baseball rivalry.)
But, regardless of your point of view, we are about to embark on a wild ride. No, not "wild" like the Phillies' ride to 10,000 franchise losses. A good Papelbonian "wild."
Now that the Sox and Phillies have each played a handful of Spring games, you can pretty much tell what's going to happen this season. Now, some people will speak of things like "small sample size", "inconsistent levels of competition", and "the MLB starters are playing the Par 5 7th hole by the 5th inning." (Watch out for that sand trap to the left of the green, starters!)
But those people are farther off base than Julio Lugo. A bunch of fallacious hooey, actually.
Here are of few things I've figured out so far: (SPOILER ALERT!)
Starter Boy (Spring ERA: 0.00): Jonathan will have 12 wins and a 2.12 ERA by midseason. After the ASG, he will have 22 saves and a 3.04 ERA*. (Note: 2nd half ERA inflated in bombing by the Twins in a non-save situation.) JP will be replaced in the rotation by a former Red Sox P named Roger.
Redlocks (Spring BA: .000): Manny will hit his 500th career HR in July, miss an extended period of time in August with left (and/or right) knee problems, and return to hit 5 HR in the playoffs. Trade requests will outnumber requests to finish his career as a Sox by 6 to 4.
J.D. (Spring BA: .333): J. D. will play in every inning of every game and finish 2nd to Joe Mauer in MVP voting. He will be lauded for his consistency and leadership skills.
New, possibly Evil, SS (Spring BA: .333): Julio will continue to struggle with that whole throwing thing- his .287 BA will not be enough to make up for his 32 E-6's. 32 Errors by JUNE. His season will end in July, due to an "undisclosed off-field concern." The Sox will acquire a new 2B and SS before the trading deadline. The SS will be crucial in the Sox playoff run, but will cost them prospect Jacoby Ellsbury.
Lil' Dustin (Spring BA: .111): DP will be part of Pawtucket's DP combo by May. His dream to be the 1st Hobbit to hit .300 in MLB is dashed by his inability to be the 1st Hobbit to hit .200 in MLB.
$.9 Million MVP (who still gets an allowance from Mama Howard) (Spring SLG: .875): Ryan Howard will hit 67 HR in another MVP season.
Cole (Spring ERA: 0.00): Cole Hamels' 1st (of many) 23 win Cy Young seasons. The young SP will also team with Chase Utley to defeat Global Warming.
Abe (Spring BA: .429): After failing to trade the .143 hitting late inning defensive replacement, the Phillies will release him in June and eat his salary. Danny Sandoval, will replace him on the roster and have 23 ABs the rest of the season (0 of those ABs will be in the postseason).
Roy Hobbs (Spring SLG: 1.500): Will lead AAA Ottawa with a .323 BA.
Blister and Donut Eater will both be making their Spring debuts today. It should be a great season. So, pick up your Special Limited Edition license plate, and enjoy the ride!
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