Won't you come and save me, save me...

When examining the Phillies and Sox rosters in January, it looked like they had the makings of a good bullpen. And by "good" I meant "good relative to the Devil Rays bullpen." And by "a" I meant they could probably cobble together one passable bullpen crew between the two teams.

Now, being the good and/or innovative fan that I am, I immediately began formulating an intricate plan whereby the two teams could share one single, workable bullpen crew. The easy part was figuring out a loophole in the waiver rules to allow the teams to transfer pitchers to each other at their convenience. I won't give it away in this space, but the Great Waiver Draft (5 day) Trade of Pete Peeters and Keith Acton from the Philadelphia Flyers to (and from) the Winnipeg Jets was my inspiration.

I figured Charlie Manuel might not be able to mentally handle this situation, but I thought we could sate him by offering Curt Schilling's services as a pinch-hitter, on Curt's days off from pitching for the Sox. The Loquacious Blond Blogger would definitely be a better option off the bench than the Sausage Beater. The most difficult part was figuring out the logistics of moving relievers back and forth between teams playing in games, simultaneously, in different cities, while also considering fluid game situations. But Jonathan solved that problem by graciously offering the use of his Flash Speeder. Problem solved. Merci beaucoup, Starter Boy!

But, after watching so far this spring, I'm not certain that the 2 teams could find enough satisfactory major league relievers for one 7 man bullpen. I mean, look at these guys:

Tom Gordon- This guy has been around forever. I am fairly certain he pitched for the Royals against the Phillies in the 1980 World Series. He just flew 2000 miles from FLA to PHI to get his arm checked out. I'm not so sure we can count on him.

Joel Pineiro- 6.36 ERA. 1.65 WHIP. Not what you would call "good numbers" last season.

Antonio Alfonseca- 12 fingers. 43 ineffective innings over the last 2 seasons. Anything could happen here.

Julian Tavarez- Is he more effective as a starter? As a reliever? When he "knows his role?" All I know is that he should be traded. ASAP. Because when he is suspended for life for beating a Devil Rays fan and/or mascot with a shillelagh, his trade value will decrease. Significantly. Are you listening, Theo? Get one of the minions on this.

Fabio Castro- He has a 7.11 spring ERA. The Texas Rangers didn't want him. His 1st name is "Fabio." 3 strikes, buddy.

Kyle Snyder- Now, I like this guy. Maybe because his middle name is "Ehren." Perhaps because I fondly remember the 1st time I saw him perform. But he hasn't had a season ERA better than 5.17 yet. He's pretty much been the dog that gets beat so far.

Matt Smith - Phillies fans consider this guy a given. We are probably just trying to make ourselves feel better about the Abreu trade. But he only has 20 IP in the bigs. Also I'm pretty sure his longest and best performance was here.

Basically, the only reliever on either team that I feel reasonably confident about is Brendan Donnelly. And he is 35, with a WHIP that has increased in each of the past 5 seasons.
Pat and Theo need to do some serious bullpen upgrading.

I saw this simply outstanding commercial on YouTube. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, but the cameos get increasingly amazing. Check it out.

Finally, this guy, apparently, forgot a very important rule.
No matter how drunk you are, NEVER LET THE UNICORN DRIVE!